Bad Habits

Why haven't I posted to this blog for what, three months? Perhaps it was that I had nothing interesting to say. My lifestyle in Korea had taken a turn for the worse a short while ago. The accumulating stress I had been experiencing at work seemed to be increasing at an exponential rate, and my unhealthy coping mechanisms were only adding to the problem. Rather than being able to fill my readers' chests with warm, fuzzy feelings of my interesting observations, I made it a point not to write continuous rants about the fact that I was momentarily hating life in Korea, and seeking immediate escape (literally and figuratively). In some ways, I felt that you wouldn't want to hear about my repetitive weekends of indulging in alcohol, gaining weight, and losing sleep over comments and occurrences at my workplace.

Things I can update you on – I don't hate my job at the moment, my brother visited me two months ago, I lost my iPhone in a cab, I have improved as a teacher, and my current positive state is due to being on vacation.

After two months of preparing, poorly on my behalf, for an Open House event at my school, I contemplated fleeing South Korea. In North America, I imagine this event at a preschool or kindergarten class would not attract so much stress. Working alongside my Korean co-teacher, I was responsible for designing/developing two lesson topics, and the accompanying worksheets and activities, while she was responsible for creating costumes and visual aids/props for the students. It sounded simple enough, but it was a huge disaster. I can say that my students are amazing individuals, who managed to absorb the gargantuan amount of information, which I shoved in their faces on a daily basis. I can't believe that my three and four year olds are capable of knowing what the Three R's are, how to recycle various household items, and what bins we need to recycle those items in based on the material from which they are made. I also can't believe I was responsible for teaching them how to read. Isn't that a mother/father kind of responsibility?

Maybe I should back up a little and make this Open House business more clear. All foreign and Korean teachers were responsible for putting on a show. Although it was claimed to simply be an example of how the classes function on a daily basis, and a display of each child's progress, it was much more of a theater performance. The layout of this event was structured as such: Homeroom teacher welcomes parents and gives a brief introduction of what the day holds. Students enter the room, in formation, to sing two songs (with gestures) and then leave to change out of their costumes. Homeroom teacher gives a description of the first lesson, in my case the topic was the story of The Lion and the Mouse, with emphasis on reading fluency, knowledge of characters and setting, and how to apply the moral of the story in Coral class (my class). After thirty minutes of that, and one dress shirt covered in sweat (yes, a mother complained that my tiny classroom full of 13 parents, 12 students, the vice principle, other assistants, my co-teacher, and myself was a bit too cold, so she demanded that the AC be shut off at once), the students left the room for a 5 minute intermission. Another description of the lesson and introduction of the students was presented by yours truly, and the students then entered the room again for the final lesson. This time, the topic was Recycling. Another 20-30 painstaking minutes passed, and the students then left for another costume change. Upon their return, they sang two more songs (gestures included), and presented their mothers with gifts.

Aside from my obvious nervousness, the whole event went incredibly smooth. My students are brilliant, little sponges. They were wonderful, despite complaints from their mothers of "being somewhat disappointed in (insert speaking mother's child's name)." The process of getting to this particular day, however, is what left me feeling uncertain as to whether staying in Korea any longer was a healthy option. Unfortunately, my co-teacher held back a lot of harsh feelings she had toward my teaching and discipline practices. Keep in mind, I have respect for this woman. She has 6 years of experience teaching little ones, she had been kind and helpful (90% of the time, anyway), and she works her ass off despite being unhappy with her position at this school. What I don't have respect for, however, is when people have an inability to express when they disagree with something. And, resort to speaking poorly of the person, whom they are upset with, to co-workers and repeatedly saying "nothing is wrong," when prompted with "I can see that you are upset. Did I do something to offend you? Is there something I can help you with?"

As far as the eye can see, I'm a procrastinator. I have been this way my entire life, and it has never changed despite several attempts. This negative quality of my personality never finds resolution due to the fact that, somehow, I am capable of pulling through at the very last second. There are very few consequences that arise. This reinforcement has made it impossible to change my ways. Normally, the enormous amount of stress that this behavior creates only affects me. In this particular situation, however, my behavior severely effected my co-teacher, or so she feels. My lesson planning for the Open House was poorly structured, I will admit. I also did not practice using the props created by my co-teacher enough, making the week prior to our event full of disputes over each other's responsibilities. To sum things up, my co-teacher felt as though I did not care about our class or this unreasonable event. Truth be told, I didn't at the time of preparation. After months of feeling bogged down by discouragement and tension, I felt defiant and unable to wrap my head around why I returned to Seoul. It was difficult for me to juggle my regular duties as a teacher, along with the extra hours spent researching my lesson topics, developing powerpoint and adobe presentations, working one on one with students to push them to read (at a much earlier age than kids in the US), and developing worksheets that would allow the students to retain these topics. Along with all of this, I was incredibly frustrated at the sight of my co-teacher frequently talking shit about me while pointing into my classroom during lessons.

After several arguments, my co-teacher and I managed to resolve our differences. She feels that I'm not a strong teacher, and I'm too hard on the children. She is somewhat accurate. I have never taught children this young, and I know that I never will again. Based on my level of patience, this is not a healthy field for me, nor is it appropriate due to my inability to have the energy to entertain children of this age group for 6 hours straight. It isn't a good fit, and I know that now. This isn't to say that I am entirely bad. In fact, I am quite good with my students now that I found better ways to get their attention. And, I do find satisfaction knowing that I am responsible for teaching them to read. There is plenty I can take away from this experience, and plenty more that I will learn during the second semester. I have begged all of my friends to remind me never to return to this, however. Thankfully, I didn't run away from my contractual agreement. Now, I can relax until the next ridiculous event.

I could not bare the thought of wasting away in Seoul during my 10 day vacation. Due to being incapable of making a solid decision for my vacation time, I meditated on the thought of Portland vs Bali. Eventually, Portland won at the last second (go figure). I spent over $2000 to come home, and can honestly say that it has been worth every penny so far. My happiness level shot through the roof the second I boarded the plane at Incheon International Airport. Aside from being unable to sleep more than one hour on the flight to Vancouver, BC, it was the best flight I have been on thus far. I was fortunate to witness not only a very clear, beautiful sunset, but a gorgeous sunrise as well.

Now that I have already adjusted my sleep schedule (I'm kind of a pro at this shit now), I can enjoy the short time I have with my massive family and wonderful group of friends. I have also made time for the things I love to do most, all of which somehow become easily forgotten while I am in Seoul. Due to friends commenting on the fact that I have gained weight (thanks, Jamie), I decided I needed to get back to forming a solid habit out of running. The thing I love about Portland is that it makes running so easy and fun. I have already logged 7 miles in the last two days, and hope to triple that number by the end of the week. Shortly before leaving Seoul, I also made a wise purchase that I owe credit to for getting me out of my funk. Due to my love for self-help books, I finally bought The Happiness Project, a book I had considered reading for the past year. Time has a funny way of making things come together. I believe I appreciate this book much more at this point in my life than I would have one year ago. Although I cannot promise that I will adhere to my plan of living a healthier, happier lifestyle based on everything I have gleaned from this book, or even so much that I will finish the book, it seems to have put me in a much more optimistic mood momentarily. That's enough to please me right now.

Basically, after reading my first blog entry and considering the way I have chosen to live my life in Seoul, I can firmly say that I haven't kept my goals for this year in mind. I am using Portland as my reset button in order to get my shit together and refocus. What that means, I have yet to fully determine. But on the upside, the wheels are moving. Now, I must get back to enjoying the best city on earth.